Sunday, December 21, 2014

Ghosts in the Kitchen

An eerie feeling settled over our stove tonight.  I thought only I had sensed their presence, but I was wrong.

We have unseen kitchen help.  Often, when working on a recipe with more than three steps, I am forced to admonish my aide with words like, "Why did you add the flour before the butter was melted, Dumbass?

Yes, that's what I call him.  As I said, he's completely invisible, but he can make a mess of the simplest meal, and often does.  Should you be visiting some night for dinner and hear me shout, "Didn't you know that was hot, Dumbass?"...you'll know I just got a blister....and that Dumbass was there.

If we sit down to eat and there is no sour cream for the baked potatoes, you will know he was on grocery detail that week.  I'll be honest about it, saying, "I'm sorry about the spuds.  Some Dumbass did the shopping."

I was in the living room yesterday, while my wife, Miss Kitty, was making Christmas confections.  I heard her exclaim, "Didn't you save extra topping for after it bakes, Dumbass?"

I immediately ran around the corner and asked her, "Does he work for you, too?"

Today my daughter was home, whipping up a batch of cookies for her friends.  From the dining room, I heard her say, "All right, where did you put the vanilla, Dipshit?"

'Dumbass' and 'Dipshit'...I wonder if they're related.

What the hell...at least we're hiring for the holidays.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

...and then it was gone



I was pushing a stroller on the sidewalk one day
When a sleek motor bike came roaring my way
An old friend was holding the chrome handlebars
Of a bike that cost more than both of my cars

It was brand new and shiny, the detailing extensive
But diapers and formula were awfully expensive
It made me feel sad, a little withdrawn
as it zoomed right on past, and then it was gone.

I was mowing my grass on a Sunday in June
When my old friend drove by in pick-up, ‘round noon
My jealousy bubbled, the bile just poured
The horsepower galloped, the engine, it roared

But there were school clothes to buy, the roof needed shingles
Besides, trucks were for those who were footloose young singles
I stood there and watched on my hard-scrabble lawn
As it zoomed right on past, and then it was gone.

I was painting the trim, my patience worn thin
When my old friend drove by with a new car again
A convertible this time, in bright cherry red
Every boy’s dream, some romantic said

Could’ve made it my goal, my personal mission
But the kids went to college and needed tuition
In the chess game of life I was merely a pawn
As it zoomed right on past, and then it was gone.

It was many years later, on a cold winter morn
My old friend walked by, looking sad and forlorn
I invited him in, to escape from the cold
I was shocked by his face, he looked haggard and old

“Not driving today?” was the salient question
He shook his head sadly at the very suggestion
“What happened to the Caddy, the Harley, the Benz?
Do you still have them, or have you sold them to friends?”

He answered, “I’d give you them all, if in trade
I could have the family and the life that you’ve made
I’ve said I loved cars as I raced ‘round a track
But not a damned one of them has loved me back.”

We tried to remember the days of our youth
The times when we weren’t quite so long in tooth
He exited sadly, refusing my assistance
He said he’d be fine, despite my insistence

He said, “Life seemed so simple, and so clearly drawn
as it zoomed right on past, and then it was gone.”