Saturday, June 2, 2012

Thin the Herd

There is a problem with health care in this country.  Is it too expensive? Yes, it is, but that’s not what I’m complaining about.  Are there too few people that have it?  Yes, that’s true too, but that’s not what I’m talking about either.  The problem is, the health care system in this country is saving the lives of too many stupid people.

This didn’t used to be a problem!  Once upon a time, when a stupid person did something stupid and got hurt, as they are want to do, they died.  Thin the herd a little bit!  Now, it’s technology like crazy, and stupid people’s lives get saved, so they can go on doing stupid things.  And you know, Stupid Guy is going to meet Stupid Girl, and one of them will say, “I’ve got a great idea!  Let’s get married!”  Great!  As dangerous as one stupid person is, now we’ve got another moron telling ‘em, “You know you’ll blow your fingers off if you hold that firecracker when you light it.  Hold in your teeth”.  It’s not stupid plus stupid, it’s stupid times stupid.  Now, we have stupid to the second power.

We know they’re going to have kids, don’t we?  Now we’ve got stupid times stupid times stupid, stupid cubed.  We all know that smart people can have stupid kids.  My parents made me add that last line.  But, stupid people almost always have stupid kids.  We could end up outnumbered!

It’s our own fault, too.  When our ten year-old acts like a ten year-old, we say, “Why don’t you grow up?”  When Adam Sandler acts like a ten year-old, we give him twenty million dollars a picture and his own production company.

Fortunately, there are a few signs that you’re dealing with a stupid person.  You ask the average guy something he doesn’t know, he’ll scratch his head like he’s trying to stimulate his brain and say, “Gee, I don’t know.”  Stupid guy says the same thing, but scratches his belly. What, are your brains in your appendix? And good luck to you if you’re talking to the guy who scratches his ass while answering.

Stupid guy is the one in front of you at the register at the dollar store asking the clerk, “How much is this?”

Stupid guy is wearing the “I’m with stupid” T-shirt…inside out.

Stupid guy watches sports on TV, like we all do.  But when the instant replay comes on, he figures, “Well, maybe he’ll do better this time”.

It’s popular these days to blame our problems on popular music.  And I’m going to do the same thing.  Have you heard “Jesus Take the Wheel”? Carrie Underwood sings about a girl whose car goes into a spin and she throws her hands up and says, “Jesus Take The Wheel.”  You just know somebody stupid is going to try it!  You can almost hear Jesus saying, “No! No!  You hold onto the wheel, I’ll help you!” 

Besides, what’s he supposed to know about driving?  I have it on good authority that Jesus walked everywhere.

Please consider these other items written and/or performed by Marc Holland:

Live performances at:

Three plays co-written with Mike Davis-

Crenshaw Family Reunion 

Beauty and the Deceased

Night of the Livid Dad (one-act)

One play co-written with Kathy Holland-

Warren’s Peace

Are  all available at:

Coming Soon: A new one-act co-written with Kathy Holland-


Will be available at:

Novels under the pen name Quentin Tippler-

Hats Off For Homicide

And Coming Soon:

On the QT: The Collected Short Fiction of Quentin Tippler

Are for sale at:

Novels under the pen name Carl Stafford-

Son of Mann

And Coming in 2014:

Grandsons of Mann

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