Friday, June 8, 2012

Anything But Objective

There was a time that I was regional manager for a string of bookstores.  The responsibility of hiring new employees was mine and I took it very seriously, poring over resumes looking for inconsistencies, checking references, etc.  But there was always one item at the top that you could skip over, that being "Objective".  It was always the same basic statement.  It would be some variation on this...

"My objective is to join a company that would allow me to use my skills in a manner that would be mutually beneficial, in a position that offers financial rewards and possibility of advancement."

And if you believe that one, I've got some Blockbuster Video stocks I'd like you to buy.  Often, after an extensive interview process, the best candidate would show up for their first day of work dressed for anything but success, toting an attitude last seen during a Richard Burton whiskey bender, wondering at what point I would acquiesce and offer them the position of vice president of Exxon. 

What would an "Objective" look like if we were to be completely honest?  I thought it might go something like the following:

I want a job where I can make the most amount of money for the least amount of work.  I want a salary that can maintain an opulent lifestyle, while giving me responsibilities so small it would embarrass Paris Hilton.

As for the benefits, I want it all.  401k, vision, dental, short term disability, long term disability, and a health care plan that recognizes lasik surgery, hair transplants and penis enlargement as a right and not a privilege.  Give me a prescription drug benefit that would make Johnny Cash come back to life.

I want the corner office, with the private bathroom, and a window.  Not facing the dumpster, but the parking lot, where I can see my Porsche.  You guessed it…company car.  I’m going to need a laptop that I can take home for personal use, and yes, the file you’ll see marked Naughty Nurses is a business proposal.

Give me an expense account, a generous one, with cash advance capability.  I’ll turn in receipts to an accountant that understands that sometimes, the way to land the big customer means high priced hookers and high quality blow.   

I’ll require a female co-worker…blond and blue eyed, with breasts the size of my head and a butt that’s shaped like an apple.  I don’t mind working for a woman…as long as she’s the sort of supervisor that rewards an average amount of effort with concert tickets, sizable bonuses and enthusiastic oral sex.

I’ve taken sensitivity training, so I have learned that women don’t like being called bitches and sluts.  I now confine myself to terms like “broad” and “skirt”.

I’m not a big picture guy, and I can’t be bothered with details, so I will need a personal assistant that “gets me”…and gets my dry cleaning.

And you, human resources person, need to realize that my habit of exposing myself to clients and co-workers is just my way of saying I’m excited to meet you…really excited.

I’ll start every morning at eight…I’ll start getting out of bed that is.  I should be into the office around nine, unless I missed the local scores on SportsCenter, in which case, let’s say 9:15.  I’ll be in deer camp up north every November and down south every February for spring training, and is there any point in coming in between Christmas and New Years?

I know you’re thinking about asking me to start Monday, but could we make it Tuesday?  I’m having the guys over on Sunday for the game, and Monday morning I’m going to have the hangover they saved for Judas.

So, do you think I'd get the job?

Please consider these other items written and/or performed by Marc Holland:
Live performances at:

Three plays co-written with Mike Davis-

Crenshaw Family Reunion 

Beauty and the Deceased

Night of the Livid Dad (one-act)

One play co-written with Kathy Holland-

Warren’s Peace

Are  all available at:

Coming Soon: A new one-act co-written with Kathy Holland-


Will be available at:

Novels under the pen name Quentin Tippler-

Hats Off For Homicide

And Coming Soon:

On the QT: The Collected Short Fiction of Quentin Tippler

Are for sale at:

Novels under the pen name Carl Stafford-

Son of Mann

And Coming in 2014:

Grandsons of Mann

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