An eerie feeling settled over our stove tonight. I thought only I had sensed their presence, but I was wrong.
We have unseen kitchen help. Often, when working on a recipe with more than three steps, I am forced to admonish my aide with words like, "Why did you add the flour before the butter was melted, Dumbass?
Yes, that's what I call him. As I said, he's completely invisible, but he can make a mess of the simplest meal, and often does. Should you be visiting some night for dinner and hear me shout, "Didn't you know that was hot, Dumbass?"...you'll know I just got a blister....and that Dumbass was there.
If we sit down to eat and there is no sour cream for the baked potatoes, you will know he was on grocery detail that week. I'll be honest about it, saying, "I'm sorry about the spuds. Some Dumbass did the shopping."
I was in the living room yesterday, while my wife, Miss Kitty, was making Christmas confections. I heard her exclaim, "Didn't you save extra topping for after it bakes, Dumbass?"
I immediately ran around the corner and asked her, "Does he work for you, too?"
Today my daughter was home, whipping up a batch of cookies for her friends. From the dining room, I heard her say, "All right, where did you put the vanilla, Dipshit?"
'Dumbass' and 'Dipshit'...I wonder if they're related.
What the hell...at least we're hiring for the holidays.